Boundaries

I recently finished reading Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I picked this book up at the one dollar book sale, not because I am planning to be married any time soon, but because I was interested in what the authors had to say about boundaries in relationships with a significant other.

I read the original Boundaries several years ago, and I think I was a bit disappointed by it. It didn't answer the questions I'd approached it with. However, as I began reading this book I was surprised by how much of what they said I already thought was important. Perhaps I internalized more from the original than I realized! For instance, even within a relationship I think we both should be free people who are ultimately responsible for ourselves. I did still find myself challenged and inspired in the areas of communication and conflict resolution, though.

Twice while reading, I was struck by something enough to make me mark the page and come back to it. First was the suggestion of asking the question: "What do you see me doing that hurts or bothers you?" (69) I would naturally be more likely to phrase the question: "Is there anything that I do..." which assumes the answer could very well be "no." Assuming the answer is "yes" relieves the responder's guilt if that is the case and makes it easier to bring up concerns and even little things, promoting communication and change, and leading to a happier relationship.

Secondly, the authors quoted a beautiful description of a good relationship by Frederick Buechner: "A marriage made in Heaven is one where a man and a woman become more richly themselves together than the chances are either of them could ever have managed to become alone." (87) I don't even know how to comment on this, other than to call it beautiful.